One Day On Facebook In The Age Of Coronavirus

It’s High Noon on Wednesday, April 8, 2020, and America is deep in the throes of the coronavirus pandemic.  There have been over 400,000 confirmed cases now and over 14,000 deaths. Most Americans have been told to stay at home for the foreseeable future, and when they’re outside they must wear masks and maintain a social distance of at least six feet from the next person.

I’m home, like everyone else, so I decide to hop on Facebook and see what’s going on with my “friends.” I use the quotation marks because only about 200 of my 2,000+ Facebook friends are actual friends that I’ve met and interacted with, either through school or work or my old neighborhood on the Upper West Side.

I’ve actually mostly stayed away from FB over the past few months, because I find it’s mainly people screaming at each other, or else it’s wealth porn, or family porn, or happiness porn, or just meaningless blather.  Most of all, it’s people saying “hey, look at me! Listen to me! I have something to say!” Well you know what? I’d rather watch a replay of a Mets game from 2012 than hear your diatribe or brain fart.

Anyway, the first post that pops up is from a good friend in Japan, so I don’t immediately disregard it. I lived in Japan for two years in my early 20’s, and I have a deep affinity for the country and its people. The post is from some obscure news source, and it announces that Bernie Sanders has dropped out of the Presidential race.

Shit! I had actually already seen this news half an hour earlier in The New York Times, but it hurts once again. Bernie’s my hero, I tried to get a job on his campaign, and he was the only truly socially progressive candidate in the Democratic field. Score one for the oligarchs and the corporate media that systematically worked to destroy his chances. Double shit.

Next comes a sponsored ad, “Biden for President.” Puke. Joe Biden represents everything that’s wrong with the Democratic Party. He was anti-civil rights in the 60’s and 70’s, he cozied up to Wall Street in the 80’s, he supported both Iraq Wars and just about every military action the US has ever taken, and he’s more senile than your average centenarian.  Plus, and this really bugs me as someone who worked their ass off in school, Biden plagiarized a bunch of speeches when he was running for President in 1988. All-in-all, he’s a total hack. As evil as Trump is, I’ll still have to think long and hard before giving Joe B. my vote.

The next post that pops up is the first corona-related one, and it’s from a good friend living in London. It’s an article about how the cruise industry is struggling to stay afloat (no pun intended!). My friend is a super anti-capitalist anarchist dude, and he writes, simply, “Cannot wait until these motherfuckers go under.” Amen brother, I’m with you.

I scroll through the feed and there’s another post from the friend in Japan, another from the guy in London, and then one shared post from two high school friends linking to an NPR post that claims the Pentagon knew of the possible coronavirus threat for years. Hmmm. I’m extremely dubious, but it’s obviously not out of the realm of possibility, given the history of nefarious doings by the US government. More than anything, I’m bored already, so I decide to take a break for a while and then check the Facebook pulse once again. It’s now 12:30pm Facebook time.

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It’s 1:26pm, so I check back in to FB. The first post that pops up is from Animal Family, which must be some group I joined who knows when because I love animals and I have an awesome cat named Copper.  The picture is of a really sad looking tan Pit Bull inside a small prison-like cell, standing next to a tiny tan Yorkie/Chihuahua type toy dog. Both dogs look really mournful. The caption above the photo reads “Pit Bull About To Be Adopted Refuses To Leave Shelter Without Tiny Best Friend.”  Awwww. This kind of stuff absolutely tears at my heartstrings. I could look at dog and cat pics all day.

There’s another post by my London friend about the acting Navy Secretary criticizing the former commander of the virus-plagued ship that Trump fired. I’m completely exhausted by all Trump stories, so I usually just skip over them. But a comment left by a friend of his is funny. “He is a TOTAL DICK! Can’t stand this guy!” Amen sister.

There’s a post by my mom, who is an animal lover and animal activist, about a veterinarian that treats homeless people’s pets for free.  I mean what more can you say about that? It’s beautiful, just beautiful, and my mom’s a wonderful woman. You go mom.

An old high school friend has posted a meme thanking President Trump for making the USA #1 in global coronavirus cases. I get it. Not very witty, but point taken.

You know what? I think I’ve gotten the 1:30pm-ish pulse of FB, and since I can’t go out because we’re all under stay at home orders, I’m going to order a very strong iced coffee from a natural juice fusion place in my ‘hood, put on some 70’s Carol King music, kick back, and chill for a little while. It’s 1:42pm Facebook time. See you in a bit.

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It’s 4:03pm and I’m baaack! Let’s see, over the past two plus hours I had a great iced coffee, I made a Turkey and Muenster cheese sandwich, I listened to sports radio WFAN for a while, and Ipet the awesome Copper.  All-in-all, stuff. Just stuff.

Now I tune to FB to see what’s happening in the online world. Disney+ is hawking subscriptions to their new streaming channel. Pass. Wrong demographic. A guy who I have absolutely no connection to, just one of those random “friends” from FB, has posted a photo of Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villeche on a stage in white tuxedos with the caption: “Who are these guys? Wrong answers only!” I’m trying to figure out what he’s going for. I mean Fantasy Island was a great 70’s and 80’s show from my youth, so anyone under 30 would have no idea who they are. But why only wrong answers? I guess he thinks it’ll increase the haha factor. Seems like a pretty freakin’ stupid game to me, but that’s probably why he’s a FB friend and not a real friend. Boom! Take that fake friends.

My stepmother posted an article advocating for Julian Assange’s freedom. I haven’t followed the case closely, and I know it’s controversial, but I’m willing to back her position on the grounds that she’s my stepmother. Family’s family, and we’re all pretty progressive in my family anyway.

A guy I’m casually friends with who works at a rehabilitation center for dogs in lower Manhattan that uses water therapy has posted a photo of himself in the pool doing water therapy with a huge cat named Lupo. This is the first time I’ve ever seen him working with a cat, as he works with almost exclusively dogs. The cat looks a little overwhelmed, because as the guy has captioned the photo, it’s Lupo’s first time in the water.

And you know what? It’s beautiful, just beautiful. Years ago my mom’s dog Sparky tore his ACL, and we went to the place this friend works at for water therapy for Sparky. It was great. Whenever I see his posts on FB I like them, and I tell him thank you, you’re doing God’s work.

I think that’s about it for now. I need another break from Crapbook. It’s 4:21pm Facebook time. Back later.

***** 

It’s 6:07pm and time is flying by. Around two hours have passed since the last time I checked FB, and during the interim things have been really wild and crazy. I drank a Fruit Punch Gatorade, I watched a couple of Gordon Ramsey videos on YouTube, including one fairly interesting one where he teaches you to make a perfect burger in nine minutes. I like to cook, but even if you gave me twenty minutes I couldn’t make a burger as succulent as the one he makes. He films the video on his outdoor deck next to his pool overlooking the Malibu Cliffs, or the Hollywood Hills, or whatever rich ‘nabe his mansion is in. In the video Ramsey casually mentions that his neighbors include Stevie Wonder and Kim and Kanye.  Just a regular guy, that Gordon Ramsey.

I finally look at FB and the first post is by that same dude I don’t know, the one who posted the Fantasy Island pic. It’s a photo of an 80’s older female actress from commercials with her dress pulled down sitting on a urinal.  He writes above it “caption this.” I ponder the idea of unfriending him, because his stuff is not only juvenile but boring.

The next post is from my friend in Japan again.  It’s a photo of a white guy sitting alone on a three-seat cushion on the Tokyo subway, with other Japanese people sitting near but not next to him. The photo is headlined “Gaijin Maintains Safe Distance On Train By Being Gaijin.” My friend writes above that it’s funny because it’s true. I chuckle at this one, having lived in Japan for two years myself. [Gaijin means foreigner in Japanese].

I scroll down and find a video posted by a guy I went to grade school with of him and his two young sons hiking in a forest in North Carolina. It’s a beautiful video, very serene and relaxing, and his sons’ excited proclamations about the things they discover in the forest warms my heart. I have a thought that this is the kind of stuff FB was supposed to be about, but it got overtaken by politics, people screaming at each other, and that dude I don’t know posting senior citizens with their dresses down sitting on urinals. Mark Zuckerberg, are you listening? You got some work to do to reclaim this space for decency and love, not acrimony, baseness and hatred.

The mixed nachos platter from the mediocre Mexican place near me just arrived, so it’s time to eat dinner now. It’s 6:35pm Facebook Time. Back in a while.

**** 

Captain’s Log: Stardate 2020, Time 9:04pm. Galaxy: Ursula Major. The presence of Romulans detected in the Quadrant.

 

As you can see, it’s getting later in the evening, and I’m starting to get batty and use Star Trek coordinates to measure time.  It’s been about three hours since I last checked FB, and things have been rather uneventful save for two events.

 

The first is that I listened to the song “Vincent” by Don Mclean, who also sings “American Pie,” about 30 times. I’ve been on a Mclean kick lately, and this song, about the talent, suffering and madness of Vincent Van Gogh is particularly beautiful.

The second event is that I ate my mixed nacho platter from the local Mexican place for dinner, and it made me really, really sad because it was so, so bad. I actually even shed a tear. Because instead of using crispy tortilla chips as the foundation, they used soggy soft tortilla strips that were virtually inedible. The various meats were also super grisly. In truth, since moving to Queens from Manhattan a bunch of years ago I’ve cried at the hideousness of many a restaurant meal. But that’s a story for another day.

I sidle on over to FB and check out what’s going on. A high school classmate I became friends with on FB but didn’t actually know in HS and another dude I completely don’t know have shared a video link from CNN interviewing churchgoers who explain why they continue to go to church despite the coronavirus social distancing mandates.

 

Now I understand that religion is important to a lot of people, but there’s also a thing we have in this country called separation of church and state, with state trumping church in all matters. So get the fuck out of church and stay the hell apart from each other. You’re endangering us all.

A female high school classmate who I’ve sparred with repeatedly on FB, and who refused to help me with a political job lead she was offering to people, has posted a link from NPR about Bernie Sanders suspending his presidential campaign. She captioned her post “perfect day to free yourself from bondage.”

 

Yuck. I mean I know she’s a centrist, Hillary-type brownstone Brooklyn girl, and she could never imagine my life of near-poverty living among the immigrants of Queens, but this still burns me. It also makes me realize why I’m rarely on FB anymore. Because I don’t really know this chick from Adam, we were marginal friends at best in high school, and why should I let her shitty bourgois attack on Bernie bother me? The answer is, I shouldn’t. In fact, I shouldn’t let anything on FB phase me, and the easiest way to do that is to get off FB.

I decide to check out one more post and then wrap up, because I don’t see things changing much before bed. So I scroll down. A cat! A cat! God bless you, someone I don’t know at all has posted a photo of a beautiful calico cat, and it immediately warms my heart and washes the bad taste of the politics away. Cats and children, isn’t that what FB was made for?

It’s time for some ice cream now, Ben and Jerry’s Mint Chocolate Cookie. My One Day On Facebook In The Age of Coronavirus survey is all done. It’s been about what I’d expect. Coronavirus, politics, Trump, Sanders, dogs, cats, and children. The only thing missing has been the usual salacious photos of women’s bodies, but I guess with all this social distancing people aren’t feeling that randy.

So that’s it folks. Stay safe, stay healthy, and stay on (or off) FB, depending on what you prefer.

Peace.

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